Good Days...Bad Days

"Waking a friend in the dead of the night. Just to hear him say it's going to be alright. When you're finding things to do, not fall asleep. Cause you know she's waiting in your dreams. That's when she's more than a memory"

What can I say? It's been almost a year and I still carry some pain around with me. I usually try to get about 4 hours of sleep a night. I get to bed around 3am most nights, watch an episode or 2 of the office on my ipod and then fall asleep by 4. I get up at 8 and start my day. Why 4 hours? Because for me it seems that 4 hours is about the max I can get without having dreams. Dreams - the one part of my life I can't seem to control. The one part of my life she still shows up from time to time.

So it's been a few months of feeling decent and thinking I was over her for good...and then yesterday happened. I was going through some boxes yesterday trying to find a few items I have been missing since I moved and I found some pictures of a trip that Robyn and I took together. Kind of hard to describe how I felt but for about 15 minutes I just sat there staring at the picture in my hands and remembering. I put the picture down, put on my running clothes and went for a run. Almost 3 miles later I decided to stop running because my side was killing me. I went home, took a shower, went and bought a new shirt, had a beer with some friends and then occupied my time until 3am and then, praying it would be just another night, I fell asleep at 4.

I should have just stayed up all night. At 5:30 I sat up in bed - my heart was racing, sweat was covering my body and my jaw hurt from grinding my teeth in my sleep. Damn her for showing up in my dreams! Having no desire to go back to sleep I simply got up, showered and left for work. I doubt that 90 minutes of sleep is going to make me a very fun person to be around today but I'll still give it a try.

Like I said - there are good days and there are bad days. I am certain tomorrow will be a good day.